(Pandemic Diary - day 33)

From my journal: 31 March 2020 (Tuesday)

Part of my rudderless drifting through the past couple weeks has been this watchful waiting mode I’ve been in, feeling like I’m held hostage by critical pieces that I don’t control.

The fact that I don’t control them should mean that I just get on with the things that I can control, and let the other things come to me as they come. But that’s an ideal approach that I’ve not mustered the control to follow. … I have this underlying tension and feeling of nervous uncertainty.

…

But I guess we’re all in some version of this, and most of us are in multiple versions of this at the same time.

How is this pandemic going to turn out? Who that we know is not going to make it through? What businesses will fail, what systems will fail, who all will die? And how will the recession (or depression) that follows impact us? How will my own inevitable encounter with Covid-19 go? How will any of this go?

In reality there is no more or less uncertainty right now than any other time, but that isn’t how it feels.

Patience.