(Pandemic Diary - day 136)

From my journal: 12 July 2020 (Sunday)

I have no explanation for it, but for some reason I am very emotional today.

I almost said that differently, almost said I’m “feeling very emotional” but that would be wrong. I feel quite normal, no sign of susceptibility to random surges of pathos. So it caught me completely by surprise when I was reading a couple UltraRunning articles with my lunch, and I had to repeatedly stop reading and look out the window to keep tears away. This happened at least five times, and these weren’t especially deep or powerful articles.

But there it was, this brimming over, and I can’t explain it.

Sadly, I’m embarrassed by that, and I shouldn’t be. So what if I feel more deeply at certain times? So what if I’m gripped by emotion to an extraordinary degree, and if, on certain days, I find that emotion hard to contain? Why do I feel like I have to look away and blink back the tears until they pass?

One reason is that if I didn’t hide it, it would be a spectacle. I’d feel I had to explain, or at least try to explain, and even if I could do that, I don’t want to.

It’s also true that I sometimes indulge myself and keep reading, don’t look away or blink it back (but I only allow that in private).

I guess that’s the heart of my current policy on the matter, that it’s fine, that it’s a sign of mental and emotional and spiritual health to have the perception and the empathy to feel that way, and the confidence to allow it to flow when it wants to flow. But it’s a private thing, meant to be enjoyed alone, and therefore the ability to contain it when appropriate is also a strength. Not to permanently suppress it, and not to deny it, but to have enough control to let it out at the right times. I’ll stick with this philosophy for now.

It’s fine to have a “policy” on how to deal with it when it comes up. It’s an entirely different matter to figure it out, to understand why it happens, to look for the triggers, to not only feel the emotions and their effects, but to have some understanding of where their power comes from. It seems important to examine that, maybe not always in a formal way, but at least to informally consider it whenever it happens, and maybe to go further sometimes. Because there is surely meaning to it, and deeper self-understanding to be had from it.

As for today’s encounter, it has passed, and I’ll let it go with what I’ve given it so far, and I’ll move on.