Am I a terrible person?
(Pandemic Diary - day 218)
From my journal: 2 October 2020 (Friday)
Am I a terrible person? Apparently so.
I’ve never thought of myself that way, and I believe I’ve actively tried not to be. But it must be so, because my initial reaction this morning when I heard that Donald Trump tested positive for the novel coronavirus was one of pure, unadulterated joy — there’s no other way to describe it.
For the first time in a long time the news made me happy, and I had this instant and undeniable sense that karma was finally kicking in, doing its thing, that the Hand of God is about to reach out and strike this bad man down.
I realize now that this reaction was wrong, bad, that there must be something broken within me to allow such a response.
I usually go overboard in the other direction, feel an excess of empathy for people who probably don’t deserve it. I have my initial reaction, but then it settles and I start to see things from their perspective.
I realize things like “there but for the grace of God go I”. I understand that if I had the same background they have, if I had their experiences (and only those experiences) and only their assets, if I worked from the same toolbox they’re working from, I’d be as they are, react as they do, think and say the things they think and say.
But that didn’t happen this time, still hasn’t happened. I feel no empathy for this man. There’s a tiny touch of sympathy, and an abundance of pity, but it mainly feels like the wheels of universal justice have finally started turning, and that feels to me like the right thing.
Even this question about the morality of my reaction was delayed. It didn’t occur to me until we returned from today’s sojourn in the blessed “no signal” territory of the Loyalsock State Forest, when I finally started seeing other people’s reactions, all the righteous statements from this and that person about how they may differ with the president politically, but that no one should ever wish ill upon another person.
So I’ll have to do better the next time.
The next time a psychopath lures unfortunate followers into a racist, anti-science death cult, hijacks my country and holds it hostage, mocks my Soldiers and denigrates their service, (etc., ad infinitum) and is then afflicted with a deadly disease that he’s allowed to run rampant across the land, I’ll try to be gentler with my response. I’ll try to bring my usual overdose of empathy and understanding to the matter. I’ll try to forgive.
For now though, forgive me, because it feels like that’s going to take a lot of work, and I’m really not sure this man, or anyone like him, deserves that.